We Need To Talk About The Wiggles

Dear Captain Feathersword,

You may not remember me, but ooooh… do I remember you. You probably don’t know about all the imaginary trysts you had back when I was a single mom- exhausted, overwrought and subjected to the same damn DVD of Wiggles “favorites” tunes time and again just to get through one single bathroom break without curious toddler eyes all up on me.

You were my favourite of all the characters on the show. With your non-sequester pirate-y appearances and that bizarre “hoo-hoo-whoo-HOO!” laugh. And that sword, that delightful pink feather sword…. but that is a private message for us to share later…

What I need to tell you now is very important. It is a comment and a question- perhaps more an airing of grievances. I don’t know if you keep up much with Anthony, Jeff, Greg, and Murray (yes, I remember all their names- we watched that DVD a lot), have dreadfully misrepresented the fine country of Australia and led thousands (if not millions) of children astray with their biggest hit- “Fruit Salad.”

Let me explain. While none will argue that fruit salad is, indeed, “yummy-yummy,” I demand to know why these colourful singing dweebs chose such pedestrian ingredients. I mean- apples, banana, grapes- sure, yummy, but COME ON!!!


I have only been here for one month. Yet, I have been around, in the gardens and to the markets- I see what you have. Passionfruit, mango, and papaya (or paw-paw, as you call it) just dangle from everything, all around! And what about the sugar plums (which I didn’t know was actually its own type of plum, not just a holiday confection), lychees, longans, rambutan…. I could go on for ages…

This is pure insanity. Just look at this thing. It’s called a Monstera- a MONSTERA!!! How could a kid not love the sound of that? It’s huge and weird-looking and tastes like a mango ate a banana and then had a baby with a kiwi. Could they not make a song about that?


And THIS baby right here! A dragonfruit. Yeah, DRAGONfruit! Kids love dragons! Everybody  loves dragons!! It’s also strange to look at and all speckled inside. Hands down winner of kids sing-along-song fodder.

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Oh Captain, my dear sweet Captain… I implore you… Consider the children.

Think of how all those sweet little moon-faces are turned to your programming, watching as you cavort in those billowy pants and enticing half-unlaced shirt.. .(*ahem*) I mean- watching as you and your crew promote healthy fruit consumption.

Widen their eyes, Captain. Clearly Anthony has failed us. Greg, Jeff and Murray probably tried to throw in extra pieces. I know. I’ve seen their dynamics. Anthony always drives the “car” and gets to hold the bowl while directing the others in his big, tall way to add BOOOORING fruits to the salad.

You are our only hope. He listens to you. Speak reason to him. The children deserve passion fruit- even if it is hard to rhyme.

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